The Big Belly Blues

I've gained forty-eight pounds in nine months,
swelled up like a watermelon!
A tear runs down my mascara-stained cheek
and I always find a reason for yellin'.
My husband just stares in wonder
(I can be kind of hard to ignore).
I know he thinks that I'm out of my mind
as he runs to the convenience store.

My appetite is odd and endless --
I'm amazed at the junk I inhale.
I just can't seem to keep from feedin' my face.
My best friend is "Fudgy the Whale"!
There's no comfortable position,
I can't even reach for the phone.
The simplest task is a pain in the ass,
So I bitch, whine, piss and moan.

I've got the big belly blues again,
so remember when the curses are flying,
it's because of this old belly o' mine
and I don't mean nothin' by 'em.
Don't forget this girl still loves you,
in spite of what you're puttin' me through.
But there's just one thing, you horny sonofabitch:
I wish that this could happen to you!

You wanna WHAT??

Don't you come near me with that thing!

That's it -- you're gettin' fixed...